This Meekly article is a piece of satirical fiction, not a factual report.

Due to safety concerns amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, Minerva Schools at KGI made the difficult decision to hold all classes for the Fall 2020 semester online. While the school claims to be fully equipped to handle this change, the decision has not come without backlash from students.

Many students are lobbying for reduced tuition for the upcoming year as they will not have access to all of the resources available on campus if they take virtual classes. This includes the library and gym, although the school is planning to operate the cafeteria remotely by having a virtual buffet for students to spend meal points on. Mani Reva said, “It’s unbelievable. I don’t want to pay full tuition for online classes. This is not what I signed up for!” 

“I don’t want to pay full tuition for online classes. This is not what I signed up for!”

– Mani Reva

Students have also seen their work study earnings cut, preventing some from sending the money they earn cleaning kitchen sinks back to their families. As of right now, no tuition reduction proposals have been approved, although the school is charging students an additional $500 to support remote meditation sessions.

Despite the outrage, most students are planning on attending fall classes. Tommy Minervan, an electrical engineering student at Minerva, spoke with us about his experience taking online classes when the pandemic first hit. “Yeah, I just scrolled through Facebook and Instagram instead of paying attention in class.” Tommy and many other students find online learning difficult, especially when it comes to staying focused in class. “Occasionally we play drinking games without the professors knowing. Or maybe they do know —  sometimes they seem like they’re playing too.” 

Parents and students alike are worried that the switch to virtual classes will lower the quality of education at Minerva. Professor Kukistan, however, assures us that the staff and faculty are working to make sure that isn’t the case. “We literally haven’t changed anything. This fall students will have the same online education they’ve had every other semester they’ve attended Minerva.” A difficult claim to live up to, given this radical shift to virtual classrooms.

“We literally haven’t changed anything”

– Professor Kukistan

Professors at Minerva, including Professor Kukistan, will be teaching classes this fall on the Forum, a Zoom alternative. Forum developers have worked hard to create an online learning environment that has slightly less functionality than its aforementioned rival. Students have loved seeing changes to the Forum and can’t imagine how much happier they’ll be when they find out the next feature being removed (hint: it has to do with shifting).

While the school administration insists that the quality of the classroom experience will undergo no changes, there are some new policy changes. Since ICE policies towards international students have undergone several recent changes, a new initiative has been created to pair up US citizen students with international students in order to obtain K-1, rather than F-1, visas. 

Under this new policy, students will have 90 days to pair up with at least one other student, whom they must marry in order to attend classes. The staff neither confirms nor denies that the inspiration for this policy came from the hit television series 90 Day Fiance

Due to the skewed ratio towards international students, however, Minerva is now lobbying for the legalization of polygamous marriage in the United States so that they can maintain their coveted 20:80 US to international students enrolled. 

Robin Goldberg, a retired member of the Minerva Senior Team, is spearheading the movement at the capitol. She tells us “With this policy, Minervans will never have to worry about travel restrictions during school, or months of waiting for embassy appointments. If immigration services won’t accommodate our international students, we will push forward to accommodate them ourselves.” Students and parents are lucky to have such a caring individual still fighting on their behalf.

Figure 1. Data collected in 2020 via carrier pigeon survey.

Meekly interviewed several students to gauge their reactions to this new policy. Most students seem open to these changes and still excited to attend Minerva Schools in the fall. A student told us “I’m surprised they didn’t do this sooner. We were all having orgies anyways.

Hopefully students will manage to stay focused and safe in their online classes and new — potentially polygamous — marriages this coming semester.