I am tired

I am so unbelievably tired

I’m tired when I wake up 

I’m tired when I go to bed

I am tired of eating 

I am tired of speaking

I am even tired of breathing

But, most of all, I am so fucking tired of being tired

I’m tired of telling people I’m fine

I’m tired of telling people I’m okay — just tired

Because it isn’t ‘just tired’

It’s not the kind of tired you get when it’s time to go to bed 

Or the kind of tired when you stay up an extra 4 hours 

Or even the kind of tired when you pull an all-nighter and skip a whole night of sleep

This tired sits in my soul

This tired hasn’t gone away since I’ve been 12 years old

This tired is a boulder in my stomach 

This tired is a fog 

This tired is a perpetual buzzing

It’s a heavy veil

It’s my brain sitting at the bottom of the ocean

It’s a rubber band cutting off the circulation to my thoughts

It’s my humanity discoloured grey

When this tired takes over

You lose your sense of self

You are extinguished by the tiredness

A secondary character in the story of your life

I’m tired of being tired

And of tired being all I am