Following the release of new coronavirus guidelines, a frightened Minerva administration decided to amend the Cornerstone Curriculum into a new and practical Corona-stone Curriculum. In light of their mission statement regarding success in an era of global uncertainty, Minerva has taken the liberty of creating eight fake words to enhance students’ practical capabilities –– outside of spending 13 consecutive hours in front of a computer screen, Hunchback of Notre Dame style.
All students will be required to integrate these new HCs into existing coursework. Minerva has affirmed this will include seniors, as these curriculum updates could improve pandemic-induced dips in Capstone grades and quell the loss of graduation, like hand sanitizer on an open wound.
Here is the official update from the Administration to students:
Remember that time we said that your undergraduate education needs to be as multidimensional as you are? Put your academic skills to the test by figuring out how the f*ck we got ourselves into this one. Recommended applications by major:
- Business: Impending economic collapse of the entire world, except maybe Greenland. Has the Coronavirus even hit Greenland? No one knows.
- Social Sciences: Why did Americans buy toilet paper? Why?
- Computational Sciences: Model how absolutely everyone except you will lose their jobs in the next six months. Then lose your job.
- Natural Sciences: 5 for creating an entirely new strain of Coronavirus, 4 for creating a vaccine for the current one.
- Arts and Humanities: Make a TikTok video. Make a podcast about nothing. Paint something. Nothing means anything anymore, so…create meaning?
As a part of our global experience, we know that a real understanding of the world and its people only comes from exposure to the realities of life in different cities with diverse cultures. It also comes from exposure to severely infectious respiratory diseases. After all, you’re all going to get Coronavirus, and that’s ok.
Therefore, make sure you apply this HC at some point after you’ve exhausted your extra four extensions per class (and maybe your last breaths, too). Yes, we know you are living through a global pandemic. Where’s that “can do” spirit we know we’ve taught you?
*A quick reminder that we are still holding classes during finals week, in spite of the additional break.
We know we strongly advised you to fly home and we’re proud of our diverse student body! A single Minerva student, because of their global exposure, can provide herd immunity to their entire home town. You may lose a few friends but, if you believe in natural selection, you’re doing your part.
Use this HC to brag in front of your friends who might have actual college degrees, but are not as cool as you are. Remind them that you’ve been studying online for years and that lectures are so 2015. For a novel application, The Marketing Team recommends convincing them to sell The Forum to their home institutions.
Experts are stating that this pandemic might have some of the worst economic implications in modern human history. Econ students, this is your time to shine –– graduate school is STILL an option after this ends. Art & Humanities students, no one will blame you for getting a graduate degree either! The real world is scary and a ton of debt is a lot better than getting sneezed on for the 10th time at Starbucks! You are just as novel as this Coronavirus.
* A note to all students: We will not be accepting financial aid appeals that cite the pandemic as a reason for adjustment of family contribution. Your application of this HC will eventually get you hired in a jobless market. After all, our curriculum is designed to prepare you for jobs that don’t exist yet… Or right now.
20 seconds is the amount of time it takes for you to apply this correctly. We know you spend less time than that on most of your HC applications, but try not to slap this one on so haphazardly. Bonus points for typing with your thumbs –– it’s okay, everyone forgets them sometimes.
Each cohort was intentionally designed to be small and inclusive, but f*ck that shit for right now. Because we decided it best for our students to live on top of each other in each location before COVID-19, we needed you to take it upon yourselves to book a $1,500+ flight home and potentially get stuck in a non-Minerva city while in transit. Borders have closed, but this university hasn’t (and don’t worry, most airports have wifi!).
Make sure to apply #socialdistancing by staying in your room, eating way more than your work-study budget allows, and finishing all of the make-up work we know you’ve been avoiding. This isn’t any different from your normal behavior, but we’ll grade you on it now.
Your refundable deposit wasn’t enough to escape the grips of pandemic? Don’t worry! Combine this HC with what we’ve taught about you solving the right problem. You’re graduating into a global recession and people are dying, but you know how to use 150+ semi-relevant hashtags, including these additional eight! That should help you secure a place to live if you happen to be in a rotation city. Good luck!
We’ll be in touch soon about class slots. Each student must sign up to learn this curriculum –– available only during Weeks 14 and 15, 9:00-11:30AM PST.
Remember that we’re still better than Zoom,