We, the administration, are glad to announce that so far no student currently enrolled in Minerva has died as a direct result of the virus. While we see this as a demonstration of how good we are at taking care of our students, we are not resting on our laurels. These guidelines are designed to ensure the safety of our students.
While we are not completely sure these will actually ensure your safety, our lawyers assured us that these new policies will protect us in case one of your parents loses their shit and decides to sue.
Avoid eating bats and snakes
The coronavirus originated in the food markets of Wuhan where improperly cooked snakes and bats created a new mutation of respiratory system viruses. Eating snakes and bats are totally normal cultural practices in certain parts of the world and we’re way too woke to criticize that, but they taste bad. Stick to a strict diet of packet ramen and rice triangles, and make sure to eat them in irregular hours. This is why your class schedule looks the way it does.
Wash your hands regularly
This is like the best tip we can give you. We know you slobs have been pooping around all day, picking your nose and shaking hands with civic partners without using soap. But hey, soap exists! It’s a magical substance invented in 1847 and is commonly held in almost every household. We just assumed you guys just didn’t know about it until now.
Btw, you put it on your hands, but don’t just leave it there! Use water to remove it.
Don’t leave your room.
City immersion is for sick people. The city is your campus, but the residence hall is your residence hall, and you should stay there.
Only hook up within the Minerva community
Besides their lack of creative genius compared to the average minervan displays, other people are gross. Do you even know where the last place they put their tongue was? It was probably Wuhan. To avoid the risk of exposure to unknown diseases, capitalize on the rich multicultural microbiome of the Minerva community.
As a rule of thumb, crabs are better than coronavirus.
Don’t drink corona beer
We have no evidence to support that this actually does anything, but better safe than sorry, eh?
Currently, you are all alive. Our insurance covers a 10% loss of students, so until we see maggots in the res hall we will not be evacuating shit.
Other insects and black mold are totally fine.
Keep healthy or die,