This Meekly article is a piece of satirical fiction, not a factual report. 

The 99th UN General Assembly is the first to be composed almost entirely of graduates from a single university — Minerva, the elite school that gained worldwide recognition after its founder, Ben Nelson, was elected President of the U.S. in 2032 and tore down the White House, infamously declaring that “the country is my Oval Office.” Many commentators lauded the accomplishments of the incoming UN General Assembly Members, writing that they were global citizens, extraordinary achievers, and clearly possessed critical wisdom that they use for the sake of the world. 

Despite the enthusiasm from the press, however, the majority-Minerva Assembly quickly drew criticism from the 19 members who did not attend the school. 

“The other day, we were supposed to be having a symposium on ending global hunger, but they all said they solved that problem when they were in their first year of college” an Assembly member who wished to remain anonymous reported. “Instead, they all started having sex in the assembly room! When I told them to behave more appropriately, they told me I wasn’t focusing on the ‘hashtag right problem.’” 

The Assembly member tried to show the press the disturbing incident on video, but the security cameras apparently did not record the incident.  

“Tech problems suck, don’t they?” The General Assembly’s Head of IT, Tryto Refresh, said in response to allegations that the footage had been tampered with. “Don’t worry, though, I put it on audio-only. There were some mic issues too — oops — but here’s a recording.”

The Meekly asked several forensic experts to examine the audio file, but they did not reach any definitive conclusions as to what it might reveal. The only discernible sounds were people shouting “shift three” and what one listener tentatively identified as the Wii Mii song.

The Meekly reached out to some of the Minerva General Assembly members for comment on these allegations, however the assembly members appear to have taken extensions, preventing timely response to reporters’ prompts. Several expressed interest in attending a press conference, but only if there would be free food.