SAN FRANCISCO- A Minerva student wearing a face mask was recently found convulsing vigorously on his Dorito crusted dorm-room floor. He immediately dismissed the pain as an unfortunate side effect of the 13 peanut butter Cliff Bars, 4 cheese stick waffles and periodic shots of Red Bull he’d downed during his all-nighter and casually accepted his fate.
The student declined to comment on why he hadn’t yet sought medical help since he was unavailable and also vomiting. Instead, his roommate told Meekly reporters: “He’s treating himself through self care. Look — scented candles, mini cupcakes and one slightly uncomfortable ASMR video on repeat.”
The Minervan eventually regained his composure, allegedly thanks to a high dose of St.Ives Apricot Foot Scrub, and explained that “it’s, like, just as efficient as anything a doctor could prescribe anyway” and “there’s nothing a face mask and some self love can’t fix”.
Hours later, the student protested as an ambulance delivered him to the Saint Francis Memorial Hospital emergency room. Multiple witnesses confirmed that he seemed extremely unwilling to release his NIVEA smooth daily moisture body lotion. In one last, futile attempt to evade future U.S. medical bills, he asked the medics if they could “at least wait until Seoul.”