SAN FRANCISCO — Less than a month after the U.S. college admissions scandal first made headlines, Minerva Schools at KGI has announced its plans to launch its own admissions scandal, projected to break some time in 2020.
The university announced its plans last Friday in a press conference that mostly focused on the ways traditional admissions scandals are “outdated” and failing to prepare the fraudulent parents of the future.
“At Minerva, we believe we can create the scandal of the 21st century,” said Robin Goldberg during a Q&A with the press, “Minerva doesn’t have a crew team or a loyal and wealthy alumni network, but we don’t think we need those things to give students the tools they need to cheat their way through life.”
The tone of the press conference was resoundingly confident and self-assured, although an inside source told The Meekly that behinds the scenes, the admissions team was kicking themselves for not thinking of having a scandal sooner. “The sports thing really couldn’t be helped,” said the source who agreed to be quoted on the condition of anonymity, “but they’re pretty upset that they didn’t even think to let social media influencers pay their way in. I mean, Minerva is basically the university equivalent of Instagram models: online and fake.”
No information has yet been released on the nature of the scandal being planned, but Chief Accreditation Officer Teri Cannon assured the crowds that it would be “really very special.” Cannon declined to comment on whether the scandal would, in fact, affect Minerva’s accreditation, but did try to squash the rumors that Minerva is announcing this plan in response to Stanford’s involvement in the current admissions scandal.
“Minerva is in no way attempting to duplicate the tired, elitist practices of Stanford,” Cannon said in her concluding statement, “Why — did they mention us?”