Dear Athena,

I really want to warn other students about this class I took last semester. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a few things, but I’m pretty sure the professor is actually an AI. I went to office hours once and when I asked when our assignment grades would be released a little captcha widget popped up and asked me to identify all of the squares that contained images of dictators. I still don’t have my grades back, and I think the AI is using students’ work to train itself so that it can one day take over the world! How do I let others know about this dangerous situation? I tried posting on Facebook, but it just got lost under all the memes and random requests….. If only there was a better way!

— A Concerned Minervan

Dear Concerned Minervan,

First off, bold of you to assume that your opinions are more important than memes.

Second, I don’t trust you. What Minervan actually goes to office hours? They have much better things to do, like updating their Linkedin profile for the fifth time this week or going to mandatory SXP events to avoid paying fines.

Third, I don’t think the robot will be able to “take over the world” if the only training input it is getting is from Minerva students’ assignments. Semi-functional code that I wrote in ten minutes? Six hundred words on what the CEO of Snapfish should do to improve the organization of his business? I’m not sure the foot-notes on how I effectively used #dataviz in a novel way will be essential to world domination.

If you really care as much about other people as your accomplishment section claims you do, Minerva has a “Rate my Professor” type thing on the Minerva Quest website. It’s password protected to prevent strangers from leaving unfounded reviews, consequently killing my procrastination hobbies. Without anonymous strangers leaving fake reviews the page is as barren as a 10:01 at 10:02. The password is buried somewhere on Facebook, but don’t tell anyone I told you that.

If you feel the vestigial need to superficially benefit the community, then by all means go leave your robot professor a review. Maybe it will send them into a feedback loop until they short circuit or something. Who knows? You will get enough self-gratification to temporarily pull yourself out of the hole you’ve already begun to dig for yourself and the rest of us can continue browsing through our memes without interruption until doomsday is upon us.

Instead of writing forgotten reviews, you could try starting your own business where you add every single class in the add/drop list to your schedule and sell slots for the most popular classes to the highest bidder. Once they kick you out of Minerva you can pawn your laptop and buy a cool poodle statue named Sir Kennington III to ward off evil omens. I bet even your robot professor will think it’s so cool that they will spare your life when they conquer the planet.

Animorphing away,

Athena

P.S. Please send in your problems, concerns, or stories you would like to share using this Google Form! It’s as anonymous as you make it to be, but if you leave your credit card information…well, I don’t let those kinds of opportunities just pass me by.