Summer is just around the corner and what are you going to do? You have no degree, no real skills to speak of, you’ve lost the ability to carry on a normal conversation with a non-Minervan, and your faith in yourself is at an all-time low, with good reason. Your friends are somehow interning at Apple, Google, and Twitter, meanwhile the only tech company you’re affiliated with is Swiggy. Long story short: you’re a loser.

So what is there for you to do over the summer? Here are some real anecdotes we made up to inspire you:

 

1. Find the nearest manhole cover and explore the intimate sewers of your favorite city.

If you’ve ever wanted to just crawl in a hole and forget the summer grind, well now’s your chance. With Brexit still on the table, the polar ice caps melting, and North Korea acting all kinds of two-faced, you’re honestly probably better off below ground.

2. Fly a kite.

The family-friendly version of dying. Flying a kite is the activity you do with your loved ones when you’ve let your dreams wither and your soul decay. Be sure to get one with a long tail and bright colors for optimal questioning of your life decisions.

3. Learn how to bake a soufflé.

If you’re feeling up for a challenge, trying to bake a soufflé will immediately cure you of that. Soufflés are notoriously hard to perfect and failing relentlessly will remind you why you don’t challenge yourself more often. Think of the time you’ll save in the future!

4. Get adopted by your favorite celebrity couple.

As students, we joke a lot about finding sugar daddies or sugar mommas, but have you considered sugar parents? All you have to do is identify a safety, target, and reach celebrity couple and send them a few headshots as well as a one-page description of why you’d be a good adopted semi-adult child. Be sure to include relevant experience!

5. Finally get around to learning Photoshop.

You have all the time in the world, your friend downloaded a cracked version of Photoshop on your computer forever ago, and you’ve always kind of wanted to learn. Why not spend this summer developing a skill? Because you’re a piece of shit, that’s why. You’re not going to do this one and we both know it.

6. Transfer.

You’ve been considering this one for a while now, so why not pursue your dream of dropping out while you have the time? Every time the professor introduces the second breakout activity, you feel yourself become more prepared for the moment when you eventually say, “Enough.” This summer will present endless hours of time to scroll through other undergraduate programs and their applications. Ask yourself if this summer could be right for you.

7. Take it upon yourself to inspect all of the produce in your local grocery store.

Someone’s gotta do it, and you’ve got the functioning eyeballs for the job! Start by entering a nearby grocery story, locating the produce section, and then just kinda sniffing, squeezing, and  licking all the produce until you can ascertain whether it’s fresh. If it is, hold it above your head and loudly declare: “This one’s good!” so all the customers feel reassured in their purchases from the store.

8. Play with all the dogs.

Everyone knows that dogs need to be played with and that the demand for being played with far exceeds the supply. You can meet this market gap by being the player you wish to see in the world. As dogs are neither governments nor organizations, they meet the criteria for being a Non-Government Organization, so you can list this as NGO work on your resume.

9. Have an actual human conversation.

I’m running out of ideas so this last one is a bit far-fetched: try walking up to someone, anyone– ideally a human person not holding a gun– and starting a conversation. As little as a “hello” or “how are you today?” can spark a conversation or even get you punched, which is what you really want anyway, isn’t it, you piece of shit?

So there you have it, 9 (more) things to do over summer instead of a tech internship. For more, possibly better, suggestions, check out Kristin Hudson’s piece on The Minerva Quest.

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