Us millennials are on our laptops more than ever. Taking selfies, twittering, using the Facebook…

But do we really know what we’re doing? We surveyed over one human person to compile these six Meekly-approved tips for using your laptop better:

1. Don’t use your index fingers

We all have fingers, but should we really use all of them all the time? Most of us overuse our index fingers; maybe it’s time you give them a break. Try soaking your index fingers in a rose petal bath and let your other fingers do the work for once.

2. If you’re scared, imagine your computer naked

The world is a horrible, terrifying place. No YouTube binge will fix that, and you’re obviously not capable of coping with it. If you accidentally remember your insignificance, use the age-old trick of imagining your computer naked. See? Even your computer is a fat fuck. You are not alone.

3. Close that incognito porn tab

Do you really expect to get that application done while watching porn? Don’t be an idiot. Why is it even open? Fucking bookmark it, man.

4. Demonstrate interest in your computer

Read your computer’s body language. Make eye contact, but not too much eye contact. Make your computer feel special. Be mysterious. DO NOT CHECK OUT THE MACBOOK AIR ACROSS THE ROOM.

5. Take your finger out of your nose

Come on, Jason. What did we say? Give. The index finger. A break. There’s no gold up there.

6. Try not to lick anything if at all possible

As a general rule, it is not socially acceptable to lick most things, including your keyboard, laptop motherboard, and co-workers. Just keep your tongue in there and you’ll be a-ok!

Wow, what great tips! What did you think of them? Were they helpful? Did they remind you of your own inevitable demise? Leave your laptop tips in the comments below!

Editor’s note: For actual, allegedly useful laptop tips, check out Esther Wegner’s article on the Minerva Quest. (Results may vary. The Meekly takes no responsibility for injuries incurred while following Esther’s tips, or otherwise.)